The Drama of the Gifted Child

We are all gifted. You see we have the ability to
shape ourselves according to the expectations of
others in order to be appreciated, to be respected, to
be "loved".

All a child wants is unconditional love. However, the
drama of our society is that we don't know what
unconditional love is. The child is "loved" only when
it is quiet, doesn't cry, sits appropriately, doesn't
touch his private parts that cause her/him pleasure,
doesn't show anger, jealousy, envy, says thank you and
you are welcome and so on. We want obedience as a
society, not unconditional love - that's dangerous. In
fact it should be banned. Well, it has been...

I was reading the book by Alice Miller, "The drama of
the gifted child" and it touched me in so many ways. I
did many compromises back when I was boy in order to
be loved. I cut off so many of my pieces that I
believe I have forgotten many things from my 'dark'
childhood. I know I was not allowed to get angry with
my parents. How could I? I was only a child and if I
did I would get what I deserved or something...

I remember returning home from holidays with my mom
and dad after about one week in an island somewhere.
My brother was then in highschool and didn't want to
come along. When we got back he was in serious pain
from what we later found out to be cervical syndrome.
My father got especially angry and started shouting.
'We can't even go on holiday without you getting
sick'. I should be proud of myself. Thank God, that I
so rarely got sick... I was more gifted than my
brother. You see I turned out to be what my parents
would have wanted me too. Isn't this great?

The anger is great and the pain equally so. But the
only chance we have is recognising that it is so and
allowing ourselves to feel the anger and to be
consumed by it. How can I forgive my father if I don't
allow myself to get angry for what he has done to me?
I know this is something that is 'transmitted' from
generation to generation and I realise my father did
have the same treatment. I am sure he wasn't
respected, loved for what he was but only cared for
when he made his parents proud by fulfilling their
expectations (or lied as if he had fulfilled them).
But I can forgive him only after I allow myself to
feel what I have supressed for so long...