Darkest night...

A strange dream today...

The mood in the film was something like the famous series by David Lynch - "Twin Peaks". I was investigating a peculiar murder. 
It was a dark night and suddenly out of nowhere, a dark horse 
rider comes and tries to take my head. I avoid him...

Not my cup of tea...

And some strange facts about the 21st of December...

Did you know that 21st December is the biggest night of the year for the Northern Hemisphere? This is called the winter solstice. The  exact time for the winter solstice is 00.22 GMT on the 22nd of December for 2006.

A very interesting fact is that the ancient Greeks' celebration was a man being torn apart by women (the Maenads), representing the end of the harvest god Dionysos, with the promise of rebirth through the offspring of one of the women.

What kind of intelligence do you have?

I got kind of jealous on what I read on a friend's blog (jealous me...) so here it goes... The answer to what kind of intelligence I have!!!

Your Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence

You shine in your ability to realate to and understand others. Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel. You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations. A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict. You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

The Drama of the Gifted Child

We are all gifted. You see we have the ability to
shape ourselves according to the expectations of
others in order to be appreciated, to be respected, to
be "loved".

All a child wants is unconditional love. However, the
drama of our society is that we don't know what
unconditional love is. The child is "loved" only when
it is quiet, doesn't cry, sits appropriately, doesn't
touch his private parts that cause her/him pleasure,
doesn't show anger, jealousy, envy, says thank you and
you are welcome and so on. We want obedience as a
society, not unconditional love - that's dangerous. In
fact it should be banned. Well, it has been...

I was reading the book by Alice Miller, "The drama of
the gifted child" and it touched me in so many ways. I
did many compromises back when I was boy in order to
be loved. I cut off so many of my pieces that I
believe I have forgotten many things from my 'dark'
childhood. I know I was not allowed to get angry with
my parents. How could I? I was only a child and if I
did I would get what I deserved or something...

I remember returning home from holidays with my mom
and dad after about one week in an island somewhere.
My brother was then in highschool and didn't want to
come along. When we got back he was in serious pain
from what we later found out to be cervical syndrome.
My father got especially angry and started shouting.
'We can't even go on holiday without you getting
sick'. I should be proud of myself. Thank God, that I
so rarely got sick... I was more gifted than my
brother. You see I turned out to be what my parents
would have wanted me too. Isn't this great?

The anger is great and the pain equally so. But the
only chance we have is recognising that it is so and
allowing ourselves to feel the anger and to be
consumed by it. How can I forgive my father if I don't
allow myself to get angry for what he has done to me?
I know this is something that is 'transmitted' from
generation to generation and I realise my father did
have the same treatment. I am sure he wasn't
respected, loved for what he was but only cared for
when he made his parents proud by fulfilling their
expectations (or lied as if he had fulfilled them).
But I can forgive him only after I allow myself to
feel what I have supressed for so long...

The mischief of trying to prove the axiom...

I was thinking of the time and energy I have wasted in trying to "prove" to others and to myself the obvious. I think everyone has such a burden that he/she is lifting like another Atlas... I was trying for years to prove that "I am a man". What I didn't realise while I was doing that was the profundity of the fact that in order to be engaged in such a battle of proving the axiom, I was not convinced myself about that. How can you go on a battle with yourself to prove that "you are a man" or "you are a woman" if you in fact don't believe quite the opposite, that "you are not a man" (or at least not man enough) and that "you are not a woman"?

You can build a whole theory by accepting what is given - the axioms, or you can question the given and end up not knowing where the next step will be... It is all a matter of CHOICE really (once more!)

Kind regards to you dear reader...

N.

Happiness and the meaning of life

After being asked three questions, I thought about posting the answers here...

Are you happy (with your life)?
Well you can say that being joyful is part of my 'core being' although I don't believe that being happy is what life is about... Being in love with life, vibrating, feeling, dancing in the rhythm of life is more of what I believe life is about, even if the rhythm changes and becomes sad or slow or self-destructive or dark and mysterious!!!

Do you see your worth in life?
That's a tricky one because one has to define worth first! The thing is that I started to appreciate me more, recently, finding out I can cope with difficult situations, making more money and having more responsibilities but again this is more of 'ego' stuff which I find very important but not as important as helping or healing people through healing and helping myself. I find this to be 'soul' stuff.

What motivates you day in day out?
Well, this must be the hardest to answer... because I don't think I have reached the point of appreciating the gift of life to its fullest... Life by itself is an excellent motivator, but I find that I am more and more bored. A friend of mine says boredom is a very valuable feeling since it is a motivator of changing things (maybe even perceptions?) So I am still in search of this...

Is Decision-Making so easy?

I was thinking about doing my PhD... All those nightmarish figures came up from inside me speaking in unfathomable languages saying...

"Is this something you really want?"
"Does it worth the effort?"
"Does your father approve?"
"Will you be able to co-operate?"
"Have you not had enough of being a pupil-student?"

You can imagine how this goes on... I was in an emotional upheaval... Did I really want to do a PhD? Sure I had proved to myself that I could so now comes the really hard part... CHOICE!

This is what happens in smaller decisions too...

I want to buy a piano. I have the money. For whom do I buy the piano? Do I buy it for my Mommy and my Daddy to say 'Look! I can manage without you!' proving just how not over them I am? Well, I have to make a CHOICE and I have to make a CHOICE for ME which is the hardest of it all!