Wounds that connect people...

Wounds can connect people... Do you know that? I have seen that I carry a knife stabbed on my stomach and maybe you carry the same knife... I feel a strange connection going there...

By the way do you know what our greatest wound is?
Mary... The feminine side is suffering... And she doesn't go down alone. If you can't listen - a feminine function, how can you really communicate? How can you really talk?

With all that is going on in Lebanon, I think we need to reconsider what a real man is... Is it the one who can make a gun, who goes to war, he who can kill, he who can take a whore? If there was a war between the sexes there would be no people left... And there is a war going on - Mary needs to save us and we need to save her. Listen to one another, from the heart... Without fear of being lesser men if we do...

Stop the war... I am getting sick... Mary more so.

Lyrics from Joe Jackson's 'Real Men' have been used in this post!

Not wanting anything...

I found something while I was reading again that I believe it to be 'applicable' to my 'situation'!!! This has a lot to do with my previous post also so once again I am referring to somebody else's words who seems to have said it wonderfully!!!

"...Don Juan had once told me that I was afraid of people and had learned to defend myself by not wanting anything. He said that not wanting anything was a warrior's finest achievement. In my stupidity, however, I had enlarged the sensation of not wanting anything and made it lapse into not liking anything. Thus my life was boring and empty."

The above excerpt is from Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda (re-reading it for the third time!). I believe this is a common trap, we confuse not wanting anything to not loving anything which is an all or nothing trap! Not wanting anything is actually a life achievement since I believe the 'soul' is like a magnet that attracts all that is needed for its purpose, while the ego intervenes in the 'soul' wanting more and more and never being quite satisfied with anything!

Being Sane...

...Richard paused beside an old woman, fast asleep in a shop doorway. She was covered with a ripped old blanket, and her few possessions - two small junk-filled cardboard boxes and a dirty, once-white umbrella - were tied together with string beside her, and the string was tied around her wrist to keep anyone from stealing them while she slept. She wore a wool hat, of no particular color.
He pulled out his wallet, found a ten-pound note, and bent down to slide the folded note into the woman's hand. Her eyes opened, and she jerked awake. She blinked at the money with old eyes. "What's this?" she said, sleepily, displeased at having been woken.
"Keep it," said Richard.
She unfolded the money, then pushed it up her sleeve. "Whatchyouwant?" she asked Richard suspiciously.
"Nothing," said Richard. "I really don't want anything. Nothing at all." And then he realized how true that was; and how dreadful a thing it had become. "Have you ever got everything you ever wanted? And then realized it wasn't what you wanted at all?"
"Can't say that I have," she said, picking the sleep from the corner of her eyes.
"I thought I wanted this," said Richard. "I thought I wanted a nice, normal life. I mean, maybe I am crazy. I mean, maybe. But if this is all there is, then I don't want to be sane. You know?"...

From NEVERWHERE by Neil Gaiman

Struggling...

I look in the mirror and I look out the window and I see myself and others struggling to be in our bodies. Struggling to know who we are and what we need. To like ourselves, rather than wanting to be somebody else, or somewhere else. I see our inability to relate, to communicate from the heart, to overcome our distance and alienation from one another. I see us avoiding each other's eyes, at a loss to know what others need. I see people searching for direction, trying to summon up their personal power, longing for the strength to be independent...

From Maps to Ecstasy, Gabrielle Roth

The Drama of the Gifted Child

We are all gifted. You see we have the ability to
shape ourselves according to the expectations of
others in order to be appreciated, to be respected, to
be "loved".

All a child wants is unconditional love. However, the
drama of our society is that we don't know what
unconditional love is. The child is "loved" only when
it is quiet, doesn't cry, sits appropriately, doesn't
touch his private parts that cause her/him pleasure,
doesn't show anger, jealousy, envy, says thank you and
you are welcome and so on. We want obedience as a
society, not unconditional love - that's dangerous. In
fact it should be banned. Well, it has been...

I was reading the book by Alice Miller, "The drama of
the gifted child" and it touched me in so many ways. I
did many compromises back when I was boy in order to
be loved. I cut off so many of my pieces that I
believe I have forgotten many things from my 'dark'
childhood. I know I was not allowed to get angry with
my parents. How could I? I was only a child and if I
did I would get what I deserved or something...

I remember returning home from holidays with my mom
and dad after about one week in an island somewhere.
My brother was then in highschool and didn't want to
come along. When we got back he was in serious pain
from what we later found out to be cervical syndrome.
My father got especially angry and started shouting.
'We can't even go on holiday without you getting
sick'. I should be proud of myself. Thank God, that I
so rarely got sick... I was more gifted than my
brother. You see I turned out to be what my parents
would have wanted me too. Isn't this great?

The anger is great and the pain equally so. But the
only chance we have is recognising that it is so and
allowing ourselves to feel the anger and to be
consumed by it. How can I forgive my father if I don't
allow myself to get angry for what he has done to me?
I know this is something that is 'transmitted' from
generation to generation and I realise my father did
have the same treatment. I am sure he wasn't
respected, loved for what he was but only cared for
when he made his parents proud by fulfilling their
expectations (or lied as if he had fulfilled them).
But I can forgive him only after I allow myself to
feel what I have supressed for so long...

The mischief of trying to prove the axiom...

I was thinking of the time and energy I have wasted in trying to "prove" to others and to myself the obvious. I think everyone has such a burden that he/she is lifting like another Atlas... I was trying for years to prove that "I am a man". What I didn't realise while I was doing that was the profundity of the fact that in order to be engaged in such a battle of proving the axiom, I was not convinced myself about that. How can you go on a battle with yourself to prove that "you are a man" or "you are a woman" if you in fact don't believe quite the opposite, that "you are not a man" (or at least not man enough) and that "you are not a woman"?

You can build a whole theory by accepting what is given - the axioms, or you can question the given and end up not knowing where the next step will be... It is all a matter of CHOICE really (once more!)

Kind regards to you dear reader...

N.

Blogging and existential loneliness

I was speaking on the phone with a friend the other day... He couldn't quite understand the idea of "blogging" since there is an important question here... Who will be interested in these blogs? If you exclude a small number of friends, who else? This all seems too 'self-centred' to be of interest to others.

He spoke of blogging as a way to tackle existential loneliness. Somebody is out there and I am truly communicating... But is this an illusion? Something to divert me from the path?

Speaking for myself, I understand that writing a diary does not work for me. When I tried it a little voice came from inside saying "you have to publish this", "this is good" or something of the sort... Blogging has kept those creeping little voices away! So blogging can be a way to tackle resistances (well, as well as existential loneliness...:)

Happiness and the meaning of life

After being asked three questions, I thought about posting the answers here...

Are you happy (with your life)?
Well you can say that being joyful is part of my 'core being' although I don't believe that being happy is what life is about... Being in love with life, vibrating, feeling, dancing in the rhythm of life is more of what I believe life is about, even if the rhythm changes and becomes sad or slow or self-destructive or dark and mysterious!!!

Do you see your worth in life?
That's a tricky one because one has to define worth first! The thing is that I started to appreciate me more, recently, finding out I can cope with difficult situations, making more money and having more responsibilities but again this is more of 'ego' stuff which I find very important but not as important as helping or healing people through healing and helping myself. I find this to be 'soul' stuff.

What motivates you day in day out?
Well, this must be the hardest to answer... because I don't think I have reached the point of appreciating the gift of life to its fullest... Life by itself is an excellent motivator, but I find that I am more and more bored. A friend of mine says boredom is a very valuable feeling since it is a motivator of changing things (maybe even perceptions?) So I am still in search of this...

The sting of universal sadness

..There was a man once who was suffering from profound melancholy. He went to see the best doctors of his day and every one of those doctors failed to help him. He finally came to the office of a leading doctor, a healer of the soul. The doctor suggested to his patient that perhaps he could find solace, and the end of his melancholy, in love. The man responded that love was no problem for him, that he was loved perhaps like no one else in the world. The doctor's next suggestion was that maybe the patient should undertake a voyage and see other parts of the world. The man responded that without exaggeration he had been in every corner of the world. The doctor recommended hobbies like the arts, sports, etc. The man responded to every one of his recommendations in the same terms: He had done that and had had no relief. The doctor suspected that the man was possibly an incurable liar. He couldn't have done all those things as he claimed. But being a good healer, the doctor had a final insight.
"Ah!", he exclaimed, "I have the perfect solution for you, sir. You must attend a performance of the greatest comedian of our day. He will delight you to the point where you will forget every twist of your melancholy. You must attend a performance of the Great Garrick!"
The man looked at the doctor with the saddest look you can imagine and said, "Doctor, if that's your recommendation, I am a lost man. I have no cure. I am the Great Garrick!"...

Story taken from 'The Active Side of Infinity' by Carlos Castaneda

Emerald Tablet

Truly, without Deceit, certainly and absolutely

That which is Below corresponds to that which is Above, and that which is Above corresponds to that which is Below, in the accomplishment of the Miracle of One Thing. And just as all things have come from One, through the Mediation of One, so all things follow from this One Thing in the same way.

Its Father is the Sun. Its Mother is the Moon. The Wind has carried it in his Belly. Its Nourishment is the Earth. It is the Father of every completed Thing in the whole World. Its Strength is intact if it is turned towards the Earth. Separate the Earth by Fire: the fine from the gross, gently, and with great skill.

It rises from Earth to Heaven, and then it descends again to the Earth, and receives Power from Above and from Below. Thus you will have the Glory of the whole World. All Obscurity will be clear to you. This is the strong Power of all Power because it overcomes everything fine and penetrates everything solid.

In this way was the World created. From this there will be amazing Applications, because this is the Pattern. Therefore am I called Thrice Greatest Hermes, having the three parts of the Wisdom of the whole World.

Herein have I completely explained the Operation of the Sun.

Preason OR Has Science gone mad?

I know there is no such word as preason... But there is prison and there is reason... And by combining you can reach the status of some modern scientists. Let me explain my line of thinking!

I was reading the other day a respectable science book referring to vision and how art is perceived by the brain... The excerpt I am referring to goes more or less like this:

"But why do we need to see?"

The author after saying how some others might answer this question gives the following answer...

"We see in order to have the ability to acquire knowledge about the world".

And why do I feel offended by such an explanation? Why do I think reason is a prison when trying to expain the inexplicable?

The truth is I find it hard to believe that any human could possible have the answer of "why do we need to see". Maybe I would listen to somebody offering an explanation like that if he/she said that he had contact with more intelligent extra terrestrials or has been "channelling" entities from another plane of existence and that's what they told him... But how unfortunate it is to try to explain the mystery of our world by mere logic and reason. How god-like to offer explanations about things we know nothing about. How can we now the "reason" just by knowing the results? We can say that vision is guided by the brain or anything but how can this be in any way connected to "why" we see?

I could go on and on about this but the important thing is that "reason" is not a panacea. It doesn't hold the keys to every door. It holds the key however to the golden door of its own self-defeat.

Is Decision-Making so easy?

I was thinking about doing my PhD... All those nightmarish figures came up from inside me speaking in unfathomable languages saying...

"Is this something you really want?"
"Does it worth the effort?"
"Does your father approve?"
"Will you be able to co-operate?"
"Have you not had enough of being a pupil-student?"

You can imagine how this goes on... I was in an emotional upheaval... Did I really want to do a PhD? Sure I had proved to myself that I could so now comes the really hard part... CHOICE!

This is what happens in smaller decisions too...

I want to buy a piano. I have the money. For whom do I buy the piano? Do I buy it for my Mommy and my Daddy to say 'Look! I can manage without you!' proving just how not over them I am? Well, I have to make a CHOICE and I have to make a CHOICE for ME which is the hardest of it all!